Thoughtless Goblin
A Screenplay by Mr PseudonymINT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - AFTERNOON
Daring lawyer MASTER CHAD PARKER is arguing with helpful painter DI SUSAN PARKER. CHAD tries to hug SUSAN but she shakes him off.
Please Susan, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Chad, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
SUSAN frowns.
I'm sorry, Chad. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
SUSAN leaves.
CHAD sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, daring scout MASTER MATT GIANTBULB barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Matt! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a goblin ... I saw an evil goblin vandalise a bunch of children!
Defenseless children?
Yes, defenseless children!
Bloomin' heck, Matt! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
MATT fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Matt, focus! Where did it happen?
St Michael's Mount, Cornwall! That's right - St Michael's Mount, Cornwall!
CHAD springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CHAD rushes along the street, followed by MATT. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - SHORTLY AFTER
HANNAH WILLIAMS a thoughtless goblin terrorises two children.
CHAD, closely followed by MATT, rushes towards HANNAH, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old goblin, that's Hannah Williams!
Who's Hannah Williams?
Who's Hannah Williams? Who's Hannah Williams? Only the most thoughtless goblin in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Chad! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless goblin in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Chad! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless goblin in the universe!
I'm going to need razors, lots of razors.
Hannah turns and sees Chad and Matt. She grins an evil grin.
Chad Parker, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CHAD is sitting in a park listening to some indie music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees HANNAH. He takes off his headphones.
Would you like some jelly tots?
CHAD's eyes light up, but then he studies HANNAH more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of thoughtless.
Me? No. I'm not thoughtless. I'm the least thoughtless goblin in the world.
Wait, you're a goblin?
CHAD runs away, screaming.
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To CHAD) You ran away?
(To MATT) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CHAD turns to HANNAH.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CHAD runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with razors.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY
CHAD and MATT walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my razors somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly razors.
You know nothing Matt Giantbulb.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, HANNAH appears, holding a pair of razors.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Chad, she's got your razors.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I'm afraid of dust.
(appalled) Dude!
While HANNAH is looking at MATT with disgust, CHAD lunges forward and grabs his deadly razors. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you thoughtless sprout!
No please! All I did was vandalise a bunch of children!
SUSAN enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Chad Parker defender of innocent children.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these razors on you right away!
Because Chad, I am your mother.
CHAD looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
HANNAH tries to grab the razors but CHAD dodges out of the way.
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, HANNAH slumps to the ground.
Did she just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly razors.
CHAD crouches over HANNAH's body.
Be careful, Chad. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Hannah Williams is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
MATT claps his hands.
So your razors did save the day, after all.
SUSAN steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the thoughtless goblin?
Susan how long have you been...?
SUSAN puts her arm around CHAD.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Hannah Williams.
Then the children are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The children bow to CHAD.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Hannah Williams will never vandalise children ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes CHAD a mystical ring
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
CHAD takes the ring.
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
CHAD turns to SUSAN.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Chad, of course I want you back!
CHAD smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a goblin to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Matt.
MATT grins.
But...
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Chad?
I'm sorry Susan, but I think you should skidaddle.
SUSAN leaves.
MATT turns to CHAD.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly MATT stops.
When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the goblin don't you?
